jokes: Friday Funnies :Renting a Room - 09/11/10 12:22 AM

 
author unknown                                                                               sent in by Arnie … (15 comments)

jokes: Friday Funnies:Intercourse at 83 Years Old - 08/13/10 11:46 PM

 
After the eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physicalexamination, the doctor said, "You are in fine shape for your age, Mrs. Mallory, but tell me, do youstill have intercourse?"  "Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband," she said..She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out loud:"Henry, do we still have intercourse?" And there was a hush . You could hear a pin drop. Henry answered impatiently, "If I told you once, Irma, I told you a hundred times...   What we have is...                                 Blue Cross!
 
author unkown                                                                                                      sent in by Arnie
(29 comments)

jokes: Lol Friday: Doctor and 86 year old man - 07/30/10 12:40 PM

Lol Friday: Doctor and 86 year old man
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly checkup... The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.' I now have a 20 yr-old bride who is pregnant with my child. 'So what do you think about that Doc ?' The doctor considered his question for a minute and Then began to tell a story. 'I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter And never misses a season.' One day he was setting off … (8 comments)

jokes: LOL Friday: Dust if you Must - 06/18/10 11:45 AM

Dust if you Must LADIES!!! Remember...a layer of dust protects the Wood beneath it. A house becomes a home when you can write  'I love you' on the furniture. I used to spend at least 8 hours every weekend making sure things were just perfect - in case someone came over. Finally I realized one day that no one came over; they were all out living life and having fun! NOW, when people visit, I don't have to explain the 'condition’ of my home They are more interested in hearing about the things I've been doing while I was away … (18 comments)

jokes: LOL Friday : What Makes 100% or more - 05/14/10 09:46 AM
 
 
 

What Makes 100%?What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.How about achieving 103%?What makes up 100% in life?Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:If:A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Zis represented as:1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 … (18 comments)

jokes: LOL FRIDAY: Irish Viagra and Coffee - 04/15/10 11:14 PM
 
IRISH VIAGRA               An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving. Her husband's libido. “What about trying Viagra?” asked the doctor. “Not a chance”, she said. “He won't even take an aspirin.” “Not a problem,” replied the doctor. “Give him an 'Irish Viagra’. Drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.” It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, “Oh, … (12 comments)

jokes: LOL Friday: Blonde Gets Arrested at Hardware Store - 04/02/10 01:33 PM
A Blonde calling her mom.......... :"Hi Mom, How are you?""Hi Sally, where are you? I thought you were with your father at the Ace Hardware""Yeah we were, but I got arrested, and they've let me make one phone call""What happened?""Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the  head.""What on earth - why did you do that   ?????""Well it wasn't my fault. Dad told me to find a Black & Decker!!!!!!
 
author unknown                                 sent in by Arnie
(5 comments)

jokes: LOL Friday:The glue that holds it together - 03/26/10 07:29 PM
 
Fred and Larry got married in California. They couldn't afford a honeymoon so, they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first married night together. In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Larry are up yet.
She replies, 'No'. Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?' His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.' Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are … (20 comments)

jokes: Friday Funnies: Attorney and Little Old Lady - 03/19/10 10:14 AM


 
Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age? Old Lady: I am 94 years old. Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words,
what happened the night of April 1st? Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch,
 on a warm spring evening, when a young man came creeping
up on the porch and sat down beside me.Defense Attorney: Did you know him? Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly. Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down? Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

 
 
(26 comments)

jokes: LOL Friday: Very Short Story - 03/12/10 09:48 PM
 
 

Very Short Story Man driving down road. Woman driving up same road. They pass each other. The woman yells out the window, PIG! Man yells out window, BITCH! Man rounds next curve. Man crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road and dies. Thought For the Day: If men would just listen Joke was sent by Annie                                                                 Author unknown
(24 comments)

jokes: Friday funnies: Talking to Doctor receptionist's! - 03/05/10 04:30 PM
This is so true! 
 They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong  and sometimes it is embarrassing.   There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.   I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.   A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.   The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'   'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.   The receptionist became irritated … (20 comments)

jokes: Friday Funnies:SEXX and the Computer - 02/04/10 10:58 PM
A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.  'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'  'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'  A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'  Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two  groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.  The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:  … (24 comments)

jokes: Friday Funnies : Ten Laughs or Go Back to Bed - 01/29/10 10:49 PM
1) NUDITYI was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!' 2) OPINIONS On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'3) KETCHUPA woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her … (16 comments)

jokes: LOL Friday: The Potty - 01/22/10 12:53 PM
THE POTTYA LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET
HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG,
SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP.
THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK.
BUT ABOUT EVERY 10 SECONDS OR SO HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN,
GRIPS ONTO TO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND
HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE..BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MOMMY.. I JUST HAVEN'T GONE 'DOODY' YET."MOTHER SAYS: … (16 comments)

jokes: LOL FRIDAY: Retired Man's Job Search - 01/01/10 11:50 AM
 

 
 
 A retired man went into the Job Center in Downtown Denver and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination." "The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to … (15 comments)

jokes: Friday Funnies :The Old Lady's Christmas Letter - 12/10/09 11:39 PM
Christmas Letter There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky and writing to God with an actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse.
It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited … (29 comments)

jokes: FRIDAY FUNNIES :A SHORT BUT POINANT LOVE STORY - 12/03/09 11:09 PM
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,.......... 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.' 'I have a better idea,' she … (21 comments)

jokes: LOL Friday:Ode to Forgetfulness by Mack Dryden - 11/27/09 12:48 PM
 
 
This will crack you up! Have you ever misplaced your keys?  Forgotten names?? Here is the secret
Misplace your keys and glasses twice a day? You'll recognize yourself in this hilarious "video" by comedian/speaker Mack Dryden.
I almost forgot that it was Friday.Therefore I think this is a perfect "video" to post.
Friday is my favorite day on ActiveRain.It is the day I post my Jokes.
So I hope you enjoy this "video" instead of my standard jokes..
Here is the "video"
ODE to FORGETFULNESS
(15 comments)

jokes: LOL Friday : New Alphabet ATM's - 11/20/09 10:25 AM
 
 

NowThe Alphabet:A's for arthritis;B's the bad back,C's the chest pains,perhaps car-d-iac?D is for dental decay and decline,E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!F is for fissures and fluid retention,G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.H . high blood pressure--I'd rather it low;I . for incisions with scars you can show.J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,K is for knees that crack when they bend.L 's for libido, what happened to sex?M is for memory, I forget what comes next.N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few,just give me a pill and I'll be good … (13 comments)

jokes: LOL Friday:Importance of Sentence Structure - 11/06/09 12:35 PM
 
Why Sentence Structure Is So Important
 
The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Mary or Jack . It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler.   Mary came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.   The boss approached her and said: ' Mary , I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack … (8 comments)

 
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Hannah Williams

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