The time of the year where everyone whines about getting sick is finally coming to a close. Some refer to it as "flu season," I call it "scheming industry out of a free day away from work season." Although I know my name for it is not as catchy, it is much more accurate. I find it disgraceful when people take sick days on the company dime due to their illnesses. Corporate America will be relieved to know that I have a plan to tackle this abomination.
Instead of calling in sick, wasting time, and lowering productivity, employees will have no excuse but to come in and work in a controlled environment where they can receive medical attention. In my office, I think they should quarantine the cubicles. As it is now, the office runts work in there, so there's no real loss if they get infected. Of course, should this proposal ever be carried out, these units will need leaders, people with experience in the medical realm; a post I'd be honored and adequately qualified to fill.
I am an authority on dealing with the sick. I spent my youth as an apprentice under Abelard Schrute, my Großonkel and the farm doctor. Since his death (he died of a broken arm), I've taken over his role. I've tended to snake bites, treated whooping cough, and once even removed a bullett from a friend's foot (Eric shall remain nameless), so I feel confident that I can take care of an agents flu, a large real estate salesman's diabetes (Ed, you really need to watch the sweets). Plus I have a huge supply of homemade penicillin, so not only am I qualified to handle the sick, I am also prepared.
Corporate America, this is your opportunity to end the era of companies being exploited by sick employees. Adopt what I am proposing and form a quarantine/medical unit in your offices STAT. You'll save money and increase productivity. ... and you'll have me to thank. You're welcome.