I had a nightmare last night. It went like this...
"Is this Joe Citizen?" "Yes, who is this?"
"This is Mort Gauge from the Government Home Buying Services...most people know us as Government Home BS. I am calling to inform you that the application that you and your wife Sally submitted to become home owners has been approved! And in only seven months, almost a record time!"
"Oh, good. We had almost forgotten about that. What do we do now?"
"Well, you have been approved for a mortgage loan of $175,000 with 5% down payment at a rate of 8% on a 40 year fixed rate mortgage. You will have the Government Risk and Protection Insurance, better known as GRAPI, added to your payment along with the federal, local, city, and neighborhood property taxes and the Homeowner's Official Property Insurance, better know as HOPI added in as well."
"GRAPI and HOPI....sounds kind of like two of the seven dwarfs.... Can't we shop around for rates and costs and stuff?"
"That's very funny, especially the part about shopping around, but of course this is no joking matter. Competitive funding for home loans went out the window in 2009. Who needs a competitive market place with experienced Loan Officers and such when your government can handle it? You will of course have closing costs as well. These amount to about 6% and include the Government Official Origination Fee, GOOF, the Government Attorney Gratuity, GAG, the Official Underwriting, Counseling, and Hazard fee, OUCH, along with all of the normal recording fees, and so forth."
"O.K. So we have GRAPI, HOPI, GOOF, GAG, and OUCH. Any more?"
"That's about all for the closing costs and down payment. The next step is to have our Official Government Real Estate department, OGRE, assign an Official Location Expert, an OLE, to your case. The OLE will identify three properties at that price within a 60 mile radius of the desired location you put on your application. The OLE will go over these with you and show them to you and then you can make a decision on which one you want."
"Let's see, we completed the seven with the OGRE and the OLE. You mean we can't choose from everything that is out there and maybe negotiate a price?"
"Oh, no. That would be way too much like the old Real Estate Agent method. They had to put in way too much work for government employees. We did away with that method nearly two years ago."
"Well, what happens once....if....we decide on one of the three?"
"Please keep in mind that if you don't choose one of the three your application will be put on hold for one year, and after that you can re-apply through the same process if you choose. Once you have decided on one and signed one of the very simple 86 page Government Official Transaction Contracts for Homebuying Assistance, GOTCHA, we begin the pre-closing process. Our inspections, etc., all of which are included in the closing costs of course, take about six months or so. Then you will have to travel to one of our regional closing centers, at your expense of course, and complete the transaction. After the normal "escrow" time of about four months you should be able to receive your keys, and using the Government Moving Service move into your new home. And all of this will have taken less than the normal three years! Aren't you excited?"
"Let me review this real quick....we have GRAPI, HOPI, GOOF, GAG, OUCH, OGRE, and OLE. Then comes GOTCHA."
"Yes, that's about right, exciting isn't it?"
"Well, actually during the time that we have been waiting to hear on the results of our application my wife and I have been thinking of moving."
"Well if you do you will, of course, have to start the process over again. Where are you thinking of moving to?"